I remember betrayal. I remember losing. I remember hate removal. I remember pain. I remember standing up. I remember giving myself again. I remember realizing that He wants to use me because of where I've been, not in spite of it because "Baby, I want to use purple haired-tattooed girls too.". I remember being told I was beautiful, worthy and loved over and over and over and over. I remember joy. I remember pain. I remember His faithfulness surrounds me. I remember being aware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I remember loving him so much I felt like it was going to kill me, and then realizing that I wasn't even sure what love felt like. I remember realizing that it's NOT OK. I remember pain. I remember hurting because I was supposed to, hurting with HIM. I remember joy. I remember wanting to know what love is, wanting Him to show me. I remember putting up fences. I remember the prayer. I remember the answer. I remember pain. I remember wanting to want to. I remember the Mothers Day phone call. I remember being in the Phillips bubble and how it sustained me. I remember "God is great, God is good, God can be trusted." I remember memory lane up in the headlights. I remember that the greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. I remember thanking God that my brothers head is so hard. I remember being in the middle of the ride. I remember wishing monkeys could Skype. I remember the beginnings of learning what love isn't.I remember pain. I remember disobedience leading to insecurity. I remember realizing that He's enthralled with me. I remember realizing that anger and bitterness are poison. I remember the first of the chains falling off and the word freedom becoming rhema knowledge. I remember joy. I remember learning that the words "forgive me" are so much more powerful than the words "I'm sorry". I remember "You go be that woman.". I remember Isaiah 61 and the very last time that I questioned my calling and knowing that it wouldn't happen again. I remember boxing up my hat collection. I remember realizing that my life doesn't change by the man that's elected. I remember remembering that there's always a fourth man in the fire. I remember the easy button and I remember it didn't work. I remember wanting to want to. I remember realizing that I was an everday woman and that's saying something. I remember that for the first time in my life, the only person I wanted to be was me and deciding not to give up until I learned exactly who that was. I remember joy. I remember realizing that I can cook, in fact...I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to. I remember Isaiah 62. I remember the heartbreak of slavery and knowing that I have no choice. I remember honesty and forgiveness and knowing that that was the foundation that an amazing, out of this world love is going to grow from. I remember learning to shut up and show up. I remember that fear is the opposite of faith. I remember the moment that I knew, really knew that love is what brings about true change, that IT IS the love of God that brings men's hearts to repentance. Most of all I remember the words from Him that I have clung to this past year, the words that hold His promise for me, the words that are richer than even I know at this time, my "rock" words....
Beauty for ashes baby, beauty for ashes.
