After posting my final entry in my "blog that no one knows about so I get to just vomit at the mouth" last week, I deleted it today. And as hard as it was to push that delete button (and it was really hard!) the chapter was over and it was time to let that part of my life go. As I looked over the last 2 years of my life I laughed a lot and cried a whole lot and shuddered and reminisced and almost vomited at some of the places that I let the devil and my own insecurities take me...it was wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Which is funny because that is exactly how I have been describing this thing that I call "my process"...wonderfully horrible....awesomely sucky...amazingly terrible. But all in all the feeling that it left me with was thankfulness. Thankful to the people that walked my ugly places with me to the best of their limited ability. Thankful to the circumstances that no matter how hard I tried to make them...just weren't enough to fill me up. Thankful to the true roots in my life who truly loved me and were there for me regardless of how ugly those places got. And most of all thankful to my Father who turned up the heat and allowed His refiners fire to reveal the broken places in me. And all the while He never left me, never forsook me and covered me constantly...even in the height of my rebellion. I have learned quite a bit lately that I know without a doubt and one of those things that I have complete and total unshakable faith in is that my God brings beauty for ashes and makes ALL things new. And so...I am just thankful.
I'm not sure what I'll do now...now that I don't have a secret place to vomit. Maybe, I'll journal more...maybe I'll start vomiting here...we'll see. But for now, in true Jennifer fashion, I'll leave with a song. =)
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